Wikileaks releases evidence of outsider collusion with Christmas committee

HANDS OFF OUR BAUBLES: The Grinch, who has been conspiring with a local councillor to ruin Christmas.

A SERIES OF LEAKED EMAILS today revealed that THE GRINCH has colluded with an independent town councillor in an attempt to disrupt this year’s festive display in Whitehaven.

In scenes which echo allegations of Russian interference in the 2016 US Presidential Election, Julian Assange today tweeted a series of links to email exchanges purported to have taken place between The Grinch and Councillor Elton Sprocket-Sett, who represents the Mirehouse 09 Side ward.

Julian Assange’s tweet, which reveals the true extent of the conspiracy to bring misery to Whitehaven’s Yuletide festivities.

The Shitehaven Views was cordially invited by Mr Assange to take a first-look at the leaked emails, and can reveal that strategies developed to disrupt Christmas celebrations in the town include:

  • IMPLEMENTING draconian health & safety policy, such as requiring risk-assessments to be risk-assessed
  • INSISTING that all festive lighting be switched off between the hours of 6PM and 8AM as an “energy-saving procedure”
  • HIRING the man who reads the Shipping Forecast on BBC Radio 4 as compere instead of CFM’s Robbie Dee
  • REPLACING Baby Jesus in the Nativity scene with a length of copper pipe – donated by Sellafield – to avoid offending the sensibilities of minorities, atheists and virtue-signalling whingebags.

Speaking from the Whitehaven embassy in Maryport, Mr Assange – who is currently fighting extradition to Workington on a charge of refusing to eat jam – outlined the tactics that the coalition of Christmas chaos intends to employ:

“Politics is often like a game of chess. In this instance, Coun Sprocket-Sett and his green partner-in-crime have plans to bring the Christmas planning committee to a stalemate.

“By the time the health-and-safety legislation they have proposed is acted upon, it will be halfway through March – and by then everybody will be too busy thinking about Crème Eggs to worry about Christmas lights.”

At the time of going to press, it is believed an emergency fact-finding meeting has been arranged by Whitehaven Town Council in order to ascertain the origin of the leaks, and to draw straws to decide which councillor will don the Father Christmas suit this year.

Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.


*