Train runs on time

SHOCKED commuters have been left in a state of disbelief after the Northern Rail service they were travelling on arrived ON TIME.

Regular commuter Marcus Claptrap gasped: “I simply cannot believe it. I normally set off for work three hours early to account for any delays, breakdowns, replacement bus services, strikes or incidences of cows on the line I might encounter. As a consequence I’ve arrived in Flimby three hours early and I’m at a bit of a loose end, quite frankly.”

It is believed to have been the first time the diesel locomotive – which travels between Carlisle and Barrow – has run to schedule since 1983.

A spokesperson for Northern commented: “It’s absolutely astounding. For years we just assumed all of our passengers were arseholes, but we haven’t received a single complaint this morning after arriving on time. It has to be some kind of record.”

The Shitehaven Views understands that the train driver, conductor and signalman responsible for getting the service to arrive on time are to be recommended for inclusion in HRH Queen Elizabeth II’s New Year honours.

Normal service is expected to resume by mid-afternoon, with commuters told to expect delays.

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