Town council to replace Christmas lights with lasers

LIGHT FANTASTIC: What the town could look like with a festive laser show

WHITEHAVEN RESIDENTS are set for a winter spectacular – after council officials revealed that high-powered LASERS are set to replace the town’s antiquated Christmas lights.

At a council meeting yesterday evening, a special committee was formed and charged with the task of ensuring festive celebrations in the town centre go without a hitch.

The newly-formed Christmas Activity Committee for Copeland (CACC) voted unanimously to replace ageing electrical feed boxes with high-powered lasers in order to improve yuletide celebrations, following fierce criticism from the public after 2016’s lacklustre light switch-on.

Speaking exclusively to The Shitehaven Views, Coun. Maximus Barmpot stated: “Basically, it’s going to be like a condensed Jean-Michelle Jarre concert.

“We’ll have to see where our budget allocation lies, but hopefully we’ll have enough funds to hire Aviici to blast out some festive-themed EDM bangers for a couple of weeks in the run-up to the big day, too.

“After all, what could be more joyous that heading down to Poundland to do your Christmas shopping with a trance version of Jingle Bells pumping down your ears at 130 decibels?”

Many local residents are in favour of the idea and have taken to social media to praise the pie-in-the-sky pipe dream.

Local pillhead Brantano Brassic commented “reach for the lasers, safe as f**k marra”, while others described the laser show concept as “good crack” and “nothing short of spectacular.”

However, not everybody is impressed with the plans, and some critics claim that health and safety legislation may put paid to the ambitious project before it gets off the starting block.

A spokesperson for the Civil Aviation Authority also believes that the outlandish festive display could pose a risk to passing aircraft overhead.

Describing the dangers, Montgomery Fungus of the CAA stated:

“Lasers can be incredibly distracting to pilots, and can cause even the most experienced of aviators to lose control of planes, helicopters, blimps and other dirigibles.

“I’m all for a bit of fun at Christmas, but the last thing we need is a Boeing 747 performing an emergency landing on the top of the multi-storey car park.”

When pressed for comment, Coun. Barmpot dismissed the Civil Aviation Authority warnings as “complete tosh”, and attacked the “negative attitudes and bureaucracy” of naysayers.

“It’ll be absolutely cracking”, commented Barmpot.

“People need to see the positive side. A Boeing 747 full of holidaymakers landing on the multi-storey would be a great boost for our local businesses.

These passengers might be a bit disgruntled that they’ve landed in Whitehaven instead of Magaluf at first – but after the initial shock subsides they could end up having a wander about, and they might even buy a few packs of Space Raiders or a bottle of Panda Pop. Ultimately, that’s great news for the local economy.”

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