Town council to be armed with CHILLI SAUCE

CHILLI DEFENCE: Could council officials be forced to carry spicy condiments?

OFFICIALS in Whitehaven could be forced to carry mandatory tubs of extra-hot chilli sauce, as part of new measures to keep councillors safe.

Several security options were discussed in the meeting, including flying the entire council out to Beverly Hills for an all-expenses paid two-week-long karate training session with Jackie Chan.

Another item on last week’s town council agenda concerned the suggested use of mace or pepper spray. However, the council has since learned that these sprays are illegal after liaising with Cumbria Constabulary.


Despite the setbacks, one councillor claims to have a solution. Speaking exclusively to The Shitehaven Views, Coun Archibald Clagnut said: “The notion of using chilli sauce as a means of defence first came to me when I was ordering my usual kebab and chips with extra grease.

“It makes perfect sense. While pepper spray is illegal in the UK, it’s perfectly acceptable to carry a tub of chilli sauce, and in most of the takeaways round here the chilli sauce is actually more potent and higher on the Scoville scale than pepper spray.

“Plus, us councillors are rarely more than 30 minutes away from our next fast-food fix, which would mean we’d have ample opportunity to stock up on the chilli-based deterrent every day.”

Blue himself

Dye-based sprays had been considered and even trialled a couple of weeks ago – but the council decided against such measures after one of its members accidentally discharged his deterrent spray onto himself.

“It was absolute chaos”, explained Coun Clagnut.

“The councillor in question has been walking round looking like a Smurf for the past fortnight. These dyes are notoriously difficult to wash out.”

Chilli chuckers

In addition to arming themselves with piping-hot chilli sauce, some councillors are considering purchasing modified pump-action Super Soakers which would extend the reach of their chilli-chucking capacities to at least five metres.

“That way, if any of the great unwashed approach us, we can get the jump on them and pre-emptively hit them with an ultra-fast stream of chilli sauce – It’d be great fun” opined Clagnut.

A final decision will be made on the use of chilli sauce in next week’s circus  town council meeting.

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