EXHAUSTED pub bosses are calling on Sellafield top brass to do “anything and everything they can” to get contractors to return to work – because bartenders cannot currently cope with demands.
Local publican Barton Smegma described the scenes witnessed in establishments across the town as “absolute carnage” and warned that many pubs were “down to their last barrel of pishy Fosters”.
The Shitehaven Views understands that British Red Cross intervention is mere hours away, with helicopters poised to deliver at least 4,000 pints of Carling, Strongbow and Tuborg in order to satiate the contractors’ insatiable thirst for pints.
With 1,400 contractors currently taking part in industrial action, it is feared that there may not be enough pints to go around, forcing Wetherspoons to introduce its own rationing system.
However, not everybody is happy with the new legislation. Local greasemonkey Billy Battenberg expressed concern at not getting his daily quota of amber nectar:
“I’m a big lad, and it normally takes me a pint or two extra to get a bit of a head on. At this rate I’m going to have to switch to wine or something, and I’ll be the laughing stock of the canteen when we eventually get bored and go back to work.”
Negotiations between Union officials and Sellafield top brass are expected to continue at some point on Monday afternoon, when all hangovers have subsided.