Pub regulars brace themselves for influx of bank holiday drinkers

REGULAR DRINKERS in Whitehaven are preparing themselves for the influx of admin workers, Sellafield shirkers and contract berserkers set to flood their local establishments this weekend.

Public houses are often a large draw for individuals struggling to find something to do with an extra day off work, and the additional footfall often puts a strain on bar resources.

A spokesperson for the International Society of Pint Imbibers (ISPI) urged bank holiday boozers to be wary of the impact their alcohol footprint can have on the pub climate.

Speaking to The Shitehaven Views, Garfield Yeastrash of ISPI appealed for calm this weekend:

“I am pleading with the average bank holiday reveller to recognise how their presence can upset the delicate balance of the local boozer.

“Consider the gentleman sat in the corner. His routine for the past thirty years has dictated that he picks up a copy of the Racing Post, places a number of small bets at the bookies, plonks himself on a stool in the corner of the pub and puts away eight or nine pints of bitter over a six-hour period. He doesn’t need some twat sloshing Blue WKD over his newspaper, shouting down his earhole on Snapchat, getting in the way of the telly or nicking his seat when he goes for a slash.”

However, there are fears that Mr Yeastrash’s advice may fall on deaf ears.

Lardon Smarmarse, a young upstart who has recently picked up his first months’ worth of proper wages, has other ideas for the bank holiday: “Most weekends I normally just go to the gym or for a bike ride – most of my friends do the same, and we all keep each other updated on Strava.

“V Festival, Creamfields and bank holiday weekends are a totally different ball game though – we’re absolutely mad for it. On the BHS we do pre-drinks with a bit of EDM on the Bluetooth speaker and a can of dark fruits, then we hit it hard in town. I’d say we must do about seven Apple Sourz in about four hours, and this normally causes us to behave in an even more insufferable manner than usual.”

At the time of going to press, the International Society of Pint Imbibers had issued an Amber Nectar warning for Sunday, advising all regular boozehounds to stay at home with a few cans instead.


  1. Appealed for calm? CALM YOU SAY, I think not sir. There is a CAMRA beer festival this very weekend and the half pint sippers will be out in force in their flat caps, bearded wives, woolly jumpers, notepads (the old spiral bound ones) and flasher macs. I predict chaos around Lowther Street.

  2. I’ll have about 45 pints in about 2 hours, then I’ll have a pack a crips and and a packet of the auld peanuts and then I’ll have 10 more probably, I’ll get up the following morning and Maureen will have the fry on and I’ll go at it again, there’ll be no stopping me

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