Parish council calls election in village clean-up bid

WAFFLING FREE: Labour's crack team of litterpickers

FORWARD-THINKING parish council chiefs at rubbish-strewn Parton have called an election – in order to summon Labour’s team of VOTE-HUNGRY Wombles.

The picturesque coastal dogging hotspot has been plagued recently by fly-tippers, binbag-dumpers and takeaway-container-chucking slobs, and a recent shortfall in council funding has forced officials to get creative in order to keep village streets tidy.

“After the recent cyber-attacks, Copeland’s funds are stretched to the hilt”, explained Parton parish councillor Figaro Crankhandle:

“Security is a priority – but unfortunately, upgrading to Windows ’95 doesn’t come cheap, so parishes like ours have had to bear the brunt of the money-saving measures.”

Brainfart

At an emergency meeting on Monday evening, Parton top-brass devised an innovative community tidying scheme – by calling a snap election to be held on the 16th November.

“The intention of the parish is to lure out litterpicking lickarses to make a one-off, disingenuous clean-up effort in the village in exchange for the half-hearted promise of local votes. Egremont had an election last week and their streets are currently squeaky clean, so we thought we’d give it a try” elucidated Coun Crankhandle.

Shameless

The Shitehaven Views contacted Labour’s head of community relations, Uncle Vulgaria, who was enthusiastic about the potential to canvass:

“Overground, underground, labouring free – wherever there’s an election on, that’s where we’ll be” opined Vulgaria, 108, who represents his party on one of the most deprived council wards on Woodhouse, despite living in a semi-detached five-bedroom house in Cockermouth.

“We do the community litter pickups every time there’s an election on and we enjoy the camaraderie and smug feeling of satisfaction. It is a self-serving service to the Labour party which we are happy to provide.”

The new scheme is expected to be implemented on a trial basis.

If successful, Parton parish council intends to hold elections on the second Monday of every month.

2 Comments

  1. Dear Sir or Madman
    I cannot possibly take you newspaper articles seriously because they persistently fail to give the ages of the people you mention and quote. Proper weekly newspapers irrelevantly give everyone’s age so lease do so in future.

    Yours sincerely,
    Kylie Lochalsh,
    1, Glen Close,
    Kirkdouglas
    Wallace & Grommerty

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.


*