FORWARD-THINKING parish council chiefs at rubbish-strewn Parton have called an election – in order to summon Labour’s team of VOTE-HUNGRY Wombles.
The picturesque coastal dogging hotspot has been plagued recently by fly-tippers, binbag-dumpers and takeaway-container-chucking slobs, and a recent shortfall in council funding has forced officials to get creative in order to keep village streets tidy.
“After the recent cyber-attacks, Copeland’s funds are stretched to the hilt”, explained Parton parish councillor Figaro Crankhandle:
“Security is a priority – but unfortunately, upgrading to Windows ’95 doesn’t come cheap, so parishes like ours have had to bear the brunt of the money-saving measures.”
At an emergency meeting on Monday evening, Parton top-brass devised an innovative community tidying scheme – by calling a snap election to be held on the 16th November.
“The intention of the parish is to lure out litterpicking lickarses to make a one-off, disingenuous clean-up effort in the village in exchange for the half-hearted promise of local votes. Egremont had an election last week and their streets are currently squeaky clean, so we thought we’d give it a try” elucidated Coun Crankhandle.
The Shitehaven Views contacted Labour’s head of community relations, Uncle Vulgaria, who was enthusiastic about the potential to canvass:
“Overground, underground, labouring free – wherever there’s an election on, that’s where we’ll be” opined Vulgaria, 108, who represents his party on one of the most deprived council wards on Woodhouse, despite living in a semi-detached five-bedroom house in Cockermouth.
“We do the community litter pickups every time there’s an election on and we enjoy the camaraderie and smug feeling of satisfaction. It is a self-serving service to the Labour party which we are happy to provide.”
The new scheme is expected to be implemented on a trial basis.
If successful, Parton parish council intends to hold elections on the second Monday of every month.