A FAST-FOOD EMPORIUM famed for its secret blend of eleven herbs and spices is set to add a new ingredient to its menu – JAM.
Construction on the Lakes Road restaurant is set to begin this week, and executives are hopeful that West Cumbria’s first KFC will be ready to open shortly after Christmas.
To mark the occasion, an exclusive limited-edition jam dip will be available. The raspberry conserve-based side is expected to pique the interest of locals and visitors alike.
It is estimated that flabtastic girthbuckets from Workington currently spend in the region of £17 billion per annum in KFC’s Penrith and Carlisle restaurants combined – a figure which Allerdale Council officials are keen to retain for the local area instead.
“We dropped a bollock when we pumped millions into a leisure centre complex”, explained Councillor Cosmo Canyon:
“We hadn’t considered that the people of Workington don’t want to keep fit.
“On the contrary, they want to keep fat. They want chicken, and above all they want jam – so hopefully we’ll be able to recoup our losses through heavy taxation on fried poultry products and associated preserve-based dips.”
Too good to be true
Despite the anticipation surrounding the new restaurant, critics of the proposed “Jam Box” meal-deal have been quick to point out that the extra-large chickens required to satiate demand are being sourced in nearby Copeland, instead of closer to home in Allerdale.
But KFC’s Head of Development claims that conditions in Copeland are “ideal” for raising the 7ft tall mutant birds required to keep Workington in fried chicken.
Speaking to The Shitehaven Views, food scientist Herbert McJerbert – who is responsible for developing the Jam Box meal – said:
“Copeland is unique in that the heavy radiation which occurs downstream from Sellafield helps to create the perfect living conditions for raising 7-foot-tall mutant birds.
“While we’re committed to helping boost the economy in Allerdale, we simply wouldn’t be able to offer such a cracking deal on jammy chicken if we were to source our grossly oversized poultry anywhere except Copeland.”
Intensive farming is expected to begin on toxic waste-ground close to Beckermet next month.