LABOUR LEADER Jeremy Corbyn has eschewed his vegetarian diet in favour of a large kebab with chilli sauce – after discovering that finding a healthy meal in Cleator Moor is IMPOSSIBLE.
The lentil-loving lefty attended a cloak-and-dagger get-together exclusively for Labour members at Cleator Moor Civic Hall this afternoon.
His appearance was initially scheduled to occur two days before the General Election on June 6th, however delays to the Northern Rail service between Carlisle and Whitehaven pushed the meeting back by almost TEN weeks.
Sources close to Jezza revealed that the sandal-wearing socialist admitted to having a “proper hunger on” by two in the afternoon, eventually choosing to traverse Cleator Moor Main Street in search of mung-bean related sustenance – only to find that vegetarian fodder was off the menu.
“At first, I think he thought it was some sort of joke”, explained one of Corbyn’s aides.
“But eventually he bit the bullet and opted for a large donner from Chattanooga.”
From then it was a case of ‘for the many takeaways, not the few’ as Corbyn made his way along the street, taking in a steak bake from Greggs, a three-piece boneless meal from Popeye’s and a Chicken Chow Mein from Chen’s Kitchen.
While some critics decried Corbyn’s act of wanton gluttony, a Labour party spokesperson defended the leader’s decision to gorge on fat-filled fast-food treats.
“Jeremy feels that the reason why we lost the Copeland seat is because the party is out of touch with the real people – those right out there on the street”, explained Labour civil servant Tarquin Huffenpuff:
“In an attempt to gain an understanding of life in Cleator Moor, Jeremy decided to live amongst its townspeople and become one of them for the day.
“This included taking in the local cuisine and experiencing the average daily diet of a constituent from the Moor.”
Later in the afternoon, Corbyn went even further than mimicking the eating habits of Cleator citizens by choosing to do a shift in the nearby Sellafield reprocessing plant – prompting speculation that the one-time Nuclear naysayer is about to step down as Labour leader to take on a less challenging role.
Describing Jeremy’s shift at BNFL, slow-moving radioactive gopher Bernard Insolence gasped:
“He was loving it marra, and was more than capable of sitting on his arse for twelve hours doing nowt – I’d say he has the makings of an exemplary employee.
“The icing on the cake was when he found out that he could earn twice as much as he currently does for doing naff-all on-site – it’s quite a cushy number in comparison to his position as Labour leader, where he’s traipsing the length-and-breadth of the country listening to people whittling on about borehole water, the pedestrianisation of non-descript town centres and benefit cuts.
“I wouldn’t be surprised if we see more of him in the future.”
The Shitehaven Views attempted to contact Jeremy Corbyn in an attempt to confirm or deny the rumour that the Labour leader would be returning to Sellafield in the near-future – a claim which was rebuffed by his office.
“Don’t be so silly”, explained a spokesperson.
“It’ll be at least six weeks before his P4 pass arrives.”