A SELLAFIELD BUTTON-PUSHER has lashed out at United Utilities’ controversial decision to supply drinking water from bore holes after missing three days of work.
Radioactive dogsbody Thelonious Genk, 37, claims he became violently ill from consuming tap water upon returning home after a day of boozing with colleagues.
“The gaffer gave me and a few of the lads a ‘flyer’ [permission to leave work early] on Tuesday morning”, quipped Genk.
“The weather was banging so we all headed down town to Shipwrights to sit in the beer garden for five hours, and my bank statement tells me that we went to Wetherspoons and ordered 63 Jager Bombs.
“After that I purchased a kebab and got a taxi – I definitely remember that bit, because I called the driver a c**t despite the fact that his fare was in fact quite reasonable, given that I was travelling home at three in the morning.”
After a civilised evening of socialising, Mr Genk claims events took a turn for the worse when he imbibed council pop from his kitchen tap.
“There’s no doubt about it – the current supply from the bore holes is dangerous”, explained Genk.
“After I got home, I poured a pint of water and barely drank half of it, and it knocked me for six. I woke up on my sofa at about midday with a pounding headache, extreme nausea and a sinking sense of existential guilt.
“It must’ve made me delirious, because I’d inadvertently ordered about two-hundred quid’s worth of pay-per-view blue movies on the Sky box as well.”
Upon waking, Thelonious found himself in the unenviable position of needing to satiate an unquenchable thirst coupled with an inability to move – and with tap water out of the question, this meant having to consume whatever liquids were to hand in his home.
“All I had was a box of 10 cans of Carling in the fridge. After about five or six of them I began to feel rehydrated, but I wasn’t over the worst of it and passed out.”
While the pish-weak lager may have granted him temporary reprieve, it would be a further 48 hours before the Nuclear non-entity regained enough clarity to return to his desk.
“Somebody needs to be held accountable” guffed Genk.
“I’ve a feeling they’ve been pumping the water supply with poison for a long time.
“Come to think of it, I’ve woke up with the exact same symptoms every Saturday and Sunday morning for as long as I can remember.”