A local half-wit plans to put Cumbria on the map – by appearing on a forthcoming series of the X-Factor with a unique two-for-one tribute act.
Describing his performance, unemployed Billy Bogshed, 43, muttered: “by combining the vocal styles of controversial funnyman Eddie Murphy with the streetwise stand-up comedy of former Queen singer Freddie Mercury, I become Eddie Murphury.
“I believe I’ve come up with a potential world-first in the tribute act industry.”
Mr. Boghshed’s agent, former magician’s assistant’s assistant and local talent development svengali Franklin Bumphluff, believes that Billy’s “Eddie Murphury” act has got what it takes to impress judges on the annual ITV bilgefest.
In between counting coppers from his pockets, Mr. Bumphluff enthused: “The cameras won’t phase Bill – he’s been on the telly before. Granted, it was when he was featured on an episode of Crimewatch for siphoning red diesel from a number of agricultural vehicles in the area, but still – there’s no such thing as bad publicity.”
Before asking our reporter to lend him a pound towards his bus fare, Bumphluff gasped: “Mark my words marra; this time next year my client will be headlining Egremont Crab Fair – and I don’t mean in the gurning contest, either.
“Although he might take part in the pipe-smoking competition.”