Domino’s Pizza Spiderman to stand in General Election

He’s spent the past fortnight advertising meal deals for a national fast-food chain – and now Spidey’s senses are turning political.

The part-time walking advertising board, who’s real name is Helmut Schmacker, has a long history of political activism and intends to draw on personal experiences to build his campaign.

“I went on strike once when I was on the tools as Sellafield”, said Schmacker. “It was class crack; me and the lads went down Anchor Vaults at about midday. I don’t know what we were striking for, but a day off is a day off marra. We should do it more often.”

His political aide, fast-food delivery driver Benton Phlange, believes Spiderman has what it takes to become the next political representative of Copeland:

“He’s been very prominent in the area recently – unlike Trudy Harrison.”

“He might not say much, but he’s good at giving the thumbs up to buses and cars – which is more than you can say for Labour’s Gillian Troughton – and his message is clear and concise. Any medium pizza, with up to two toppings, for £5.99”

However, not everybody is happy with Spiderman’s decision to run for office.

“With great power comes great responsibility”, said indepedent candidate Sean Buffet.

“Besides, we’ve got enough novelty candidates around here already. We’re at peak clown-shoes politics here in Copeland at the moment. I don’t want these Spidermen coming over, taking our jobs and deflating our sense of importance.”

Spiderman’s spokesperson dismissed Buffet’s claims as “arachnophobic”, adding: “by virtue of not speaking, Domino’s Spiderman simply cannot lie to his constituency; and unlike other candidates, Spidey will stick to his campaign pledge of any medium pizza with up to two toppings for £5.99. Until the price goes up.”

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