EATERIES ACROSS THE COUNTY are facing economic hardship after a customer only awarded a recent dining experience NINE out of a possible ten on the “Rate Your Plate West Cumbria” Facebook group.
After visiting The Wizard’s Sleeve gastropub on Woodhouse, Gladys Shitbreath, 108, took to social media to share photos of her meal, along with a brief review of her dining experience – the contents of which SHOCKED punters and restaurateurs alike.
Describing her meal, retired pipe-fitter Gladys wrote: “Beans and sausages from a tin with a portion of micro-chips as I was feeling extra peckish. Food was lovely.”
However, instead of providing the ten-out-of-ten score members of West Cumbria’s Facebook foodie community have come to expect, Mrs Shitbreath only awarded the gastronomic encounter a total of nine stars – citing the fact that the meal took “four hours to arrive” at her table as justification for the non-exemplary critique.
As a result, consumer confidence in The Wizard’s Sleeve is at an all-time low, with other restaurants, chippies, takeaways and burger vans also feeling the knock-on effects of the devastating review.
Share prices of several local eateries have plummeted to record lows on the Whitehaven Stock Exchange in the aftermath of the crisis, leading many of the town’s nose-picking burger-flippers to fear the worst.
Scran-van entrepreneur Tyson Gimpleg, the proprietor of Big Ty’s Fries – which coincidentally doesn’t sell fries – voiced his concerns in an exclusive interview with The Shitehaven Views:
“No good can come of this, marra” guffed the 52-year-old unkempt greasemonger:
“I’m used to serving up any old shite to pissed-up punters – burgers made of old socks and artisanal kebabs crafted from pigeons I run over in the van on the way to me pitch – you name it, they’ll eat it.
“I live in me burger wagon, which also doubles as a toilet, so I’ll always have a roof over me ‘ead and somewhere to shite, but unfortunately I’m already feeling the pinch after getting knocked off the sick when I got caught plastering on the side – and with these negative reviews popping up I’ve no idea how I’m going to make ends meet, eh. In my opinion, the internet should be banned.”
Despite the circumstances, there may be hope for low-brow caterers in the area just yet. Rumours persist that Copeland Borough Council could be willing to step in to foot the bill and keep local slop emporiums afloat, in scenes which resemble a microcosmic version of the 2008 governmental bank bailout during the global financial crisis.
In a hastily knocked-up statement yesterday evening, Copeland’s Minister for Junk Food, Francis Neckbeard MBE, hinted towards the earmarking of a potential emergency fund for premises that deal exclusively in convenience foods:
“I think it was Napoleon – or maybe Dale Winton – that once described Britain as a ‘Nation of Shopkeepers’” explained Neckbeard:
“By the same token, Whitehaven is a town of takeaways, and without them we’d be lost. High-calorie gunk with low nutritional value is the backbone of this town, and we need to do everything we can to avoid the closure of any more town centre businesses.
“Besides – most of our current councillors are addicted to mediocre, overpriced burgers and pizzas. We can barely function as it is. God forbid what would happen if we were unable to spend our allowance on the essentials like donner wraps and mushed-up chicken feet.”
An official announcement from Copeland Borough Council is expected shortly after the pubs shut on Friday evening.