JOYLESS CURMUDGEONS from the Democratic People’s Republic of Cumbria have told Saint Nicholas that he is not welcome in the county, on account of his affiliation with a popular soft drink.
In a secret meeting, power-hungry authoritarians have decreed that using the festive season to promote joy and goodwill to all is inherently wrong.
The Shitehaven Views can today reveal that DPRC leader Nuisance Bung and public ne’er-do-well Colon Cocks, who represents the Cumbria Union of Nasty Tossers & Sadcases (CUNTS) have both signed an open letter to Santa Claus, urging him to rethink his selfless gift-giving routine.
Having single-handedly delivered presents to children all around the world for centuries with only the help of his trusty reindeer, Santa is seen by many as a festive icon. In previous years, thousands of Cumbrian children have stuck to the mantra of behaving well in the run up to December 25th in the hopes of receiving the latest overpriced computer game, gimmick or piece of plastic tat that will invariably end up being neglected and shoved in the toybox from January onwards.
But Bung and Cocks concur that at a time when happiness rates are on the rise, the promotion of good behaviour and traditional values – which are proven to improve school grades, general wellbeing and family cohesion – could be detrimental to the plans of the scrooge-esque duo, who are intent on projecting their own abject misery onto everybody else.
“I don’t have any kids, and I’ve never had a girlfriend” explained Cocks:
“In the interests of creating an equal society, what we need is for despotic miserable whingebags like me and Cllr Bung to bring some equilibrium, and to impart the sadness and desperation we feel on a daily basis in order to counteract the festive cheer enjoyed by the normal people who pay the taxes that keep us on the council gravy train.”
While the cancellation of Yuletide cheer is likely to cause upset among communities in the county, the local economy is expected to benefit.
Director of West Cumbria Mining Group Sigmund Cackhand has arranged a press conference in the Whittington Cat tomorrow afternoon, where he is expected to announce plans for Haig Pit to reopen two years ahead of schedule in order to capitalise on the Democratic People’s Republic of Cumbria’s demands for compulsory sacks of coal, which will be hand-delivered down the chimney to every household on Christmas Eve by those in receipt of Universal Credit.
The Shitehaven Views attempted to get in touch with Saint Nicholas via letter, although he was unavailable for comment on account of being “incredibly busy” in the run-up to December 25th. At the time of going to press, our publication only received a stock response from one of his elves which read “you have been a very good boy/girl this year (delete as applicable). Merry Christmas!”
It is currently unclear whether Santa will deliver presents to the area.