AN EGREMONT MAN has been forced to vacate his position as heavyweight gurning champion after admitting to the use of PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING SUBSTANCES.
41-year-old trout poacher Denholm Jobless was forced to admit breaking official regulations after eagle-eyed officials from FAGS (the Federal Authority for Gurning Sports) – the governing body which oversees all aspects of professional gurning – spotted an incriminating Facebook status posted by Mr. Jobless on the day of the world championship final last year:
Following the disqualification, FAGS President Donald Pharse made the following statement:
“We wish to remind all participants in this years’ competition that there are strict rules in place, and that certain performance-enhancing substances are prohibited – including, but not limited to: MDMA, Plant Food, Speed, Crystal Meth and whatever derivatives would-be student chemists are currently knocking up in home labs in a bid to beat current drugs legislation.”
At the time of going to press, Mr. Jobless was unavailable for comment due to ongoing commitments to “the sesh”, but is expected to surface on Monday afternoon with feelings of depression, sleeplessness and existential guilt, followed by cravings for Lucozade and junk food.