COPELAND BOROUGH COUNCIL has voted unanimously against a bid to slash over one-third of its representatives – after learning that axed councillors were set to be GUNGED during a high-profile event on Whitehaven harbourside.
A majority of borough councillors initially agreed that a diminished number of elected community faffer-abouters would relieve pressure on the taxpayer, but the eleventh-hour announcement of a community festival to mark the reduction – sponsored by United Utilities and BNFL – appears to have swung the vote in the opposite direction, attracting criticism from the King of Copeland and keen gunge aficionados alike.
Explaining the premise of the proposed family fun-day, UU community champion Quentin Crankhandle muttered: “Since we’ve been forced to sack saving the mussels off, we’ve got a shedload of borehole water left, and nothing to do with it.
“I spoke to an acquaintance at Sellafield who told me that B30 is reaching tipping point after all the rain water we’ve had this past week – so we put our heads together and thought, “how can we get rid of it?
“It was a eureka moment. The idea to hold a charity gunk-dunk practically presented itself, and that’s where the idea for The Great West Cumbrian Gunge Expunge came from.”
Plans were swiftly put in place to arrange an event harking back to the days of Noel’s House Party and Get Your Own Back – with perennial children’s favourite Dave Benson-Phillips pencilled in to host proceedings – whereby discharged councillors would face a humiliating slip down a chute provided by Whitehaven Zipline & Waterslide Ltd, before being unceremoniously gunged by a mixture of surplus borehole water and radioactive effluence.
In an off-the-record conversation with The Shitehaven Views, Labour councillor Magnus Plopp – who has been consistently re-elected on an undocumented segment of Kells for over 1,000 years – explained his reasons for voting against the cuts:
“It’s in my bones to be a councillor. It’s ceremonial at this point, and I will not go quietly into the gunge.
“My constituency actually drifted off into the sea during the Victorian era due to erosion, and consequently no longer exists, but that’s beside the point. We’ve been told to tow the party line – and tow the party line we shall.”
The cancellation of the charity gunge-a-thon is thought to have come as a relief to organisers, as Dave Benson-Phillips was in fact already booked for a shift in his local off-licence on the scheduled date.
“We’ve dodged a bullet”, huffed an exasperated Quentin Crankhandle.
“After learning of DBP’s prior engagement, we contacted the chap who used to man the Mr Blobby suit on Noel’s House Party – but he’s currently on remand for shoplifting a multi-pack of Double Deckers out of the Co-Op. Our only option after that was Noel Edmonds himself.
“Forget that, though. Nobody likes Edmonds.”