WHITEHAVEN TOWN COUNCIL has announced a pilot scheme aimed at curbing both a litter problem in the Birley Court area AND excessive whining on social media.
At a press conference this morning, Coun Randy Arseclap went into detail about the programme, which is expected to begin next month:
“After the previous government spent the majority of the council precept on consultants for a pie-in-the-sky World Cup rugby stadium concept, we simply don’t have the funds to tend to problems like littering in the way we used to – especially after spending the majority of our own precept on consultants for a pie-in-the-sky hotel and waterpark complex” explained Arseclap.
The innovative new scheme is intended to address two of the town’s biggest problems by delegating civic duties to members of the public – including those who are particularly vocal on social media about the state of the town.
“The idea is to give some of the Facebook moaners a luminous yellow jacket and powers to issue on-the-spot fines for public littering and dog-fouling offences” elucidated Coun Arseclap.
“That way, we should see a drastic decrease in incidences of both littering and twining on local name-and-shame groups. The smug sense of self-satisfaction derived from issuing a £50 fine to a bloke who’s just dropped a bit of orange peel on the floor should satiate the need for these whingers to seek validation online – so we should see less complaints on that front, all while keeping the town tidy.”
However, some critics of the council’s plan to keep Whitehaven tidy feel that the programme may have gone too far.
Unemployed former part-time crisp-taster Giuseppe Sloppykegs, 56, claims that the cost of implementing the draconian measures would outweigh the benefits.
Speaking from his bedsit, Giuseppe remarked to The Shitehaven Views: “What people aren’t considering is the fact that the council has employed a consultant from a German luxury fashion house to design the luminous workwear.
“Having a garment designer from Hugo Boss full-time on the council payroll means that volunteers would have to issue upwards of four-hundred penalty notices a day just to break even – and that’s before you consider the cost of the fleet of armoured vehicles they have in the pipeline.”
However, Coun Arseclap defended the decision, explaining: “it’s incredibly important that our Litter Patrol volunteers look the part.
“They need to exude an aura of authority so that people take them seriously.”
Regarding the decision to fund armoured Litter Patrol units, Arseclap added: “It’s worth bearing in mind that many of our volunteers, while incredibly vocal online, are in actual fact astonishingly lazy in a real-world scenario.
“These vehicles are a necessity to transport the team to-and-from problem areas for littering – the 200-metre walk between Castle Park and Birley Court, for example, could prove too much for some, which would put the entire project in jeopardy.”
A council meeting is scheduled for next week in order to gauge public opinion on further plans to turn the town into a litter-free gulag.