CONTROVERSIAL plans to implement a Trident-style missile defence system on Whitehaven harbour have been given the green light by council officials – to deal with the ongoing threat of SEAGULLS and JAM-EATERS.
The Shitehaven Views has been granted exclusive access to blueprints for the proposed bipedal submersible armoured tank system – tentatively titled Marra Gear Solid – and our publication can confirm that the weapon will feature nuclear capabilities, a 33.6kbps modem and a deep-fat fryer.
Explaining the decision to approve proposals, Copeland’s Minister of Defence Milton Hardon-Collider stated: “We recently lost our status as Britain’s fattest town. In order to reaffirm our position as West Cumbria’s girthiest superpower, we need modern weaponry to deter seagulls from stealing chips off the everyday folk on the harbourside. This will encourage maximum calorie intake.”
When revealing the secondary purpose of the system, Cllr Hardon-Collider added: “With Haig Pit reopening, we also need to protect our economic interests. Intelligence suggests that some unscrupulous characters from Workington are intending to apply for vacancies down the mine – this in itself brings the very real threat of jam butties being transported into our town, and we hope that Marra Gear will act as a suitable deterrent against this sort of degeneracy.”
The project is expected to cost in the region of £110 billion, with funding supplemented by council tax increases in the region of 9001% by 2019.
Although the interests of local security prevented Whitehaven Town Council officials from speculating on definitive logistical details, an unnamed source was willing to reveal how the weapon will be implemented.
When approached by The Shitehaven Views, the anonymous lily-livered squeaker blurted:
“Can you remember Titan the Robot that used to wander about the harbour when the Maritime Festival was on? In a nutshell, the plan is to employ him, strap a few warheads to his bonce and hope for the best.”
At the time of going to press, Titan the Robot was unavailable for comment due to ongoing commitments as Chief of Security at Appleby Horse Fair.