A DALEK convicted of threatening behaviour has been sentenced to 100 hours community service – which will involve cleaning GUM from the streets of Whitehaven.
The hostile extra-terrestrial machine/organism hybrid entered a not-guilty plea at Workington Magistrates Court on Monday 19th February, claiming discrimination on religious grounds.
However, magistrates took just fifteen minutes to decide that the wanton destruction of all earthly life in order to appease an entity known as Davros was not protected under Article 9 (Freedom of Religion) of the 1998 Human Rights Act.
During the trial, Whambar Twentypence, prosecuting, outlined the events:
“On the morning of January 6th, the defendant entered Mansion House Surgery on Irish Street and repeatedly shouted “exterminate” in a monotonous voice at one of the on-duty doctors. This caused untold alarm and distress to at least seven patients, five of which encountered delays in receiving their daily methadone as a result of the disorder.
“Thankfully for the doctor involved, it wasn’t long after Christmas and he still had a set of sonic screwdrivers knocking about in his office that he’d received as an unwanted gift from an in-law – this allowed him to subdue the defendant until 4 million police vans turned up outside with the woo-woo’s flashing and blaring.”
Passing sentence, the presiding magistrates agreed that it was not in the best interests of the public to deport the Dalek to its native homeland of Skaro, a planet ravaged by nuclear war.
Summing up the decision on behalf of the magistrates, recorder Bonjela Anusbreath remarked:
“Upon rehabilitation, this half-machine-half-organism hybrid would be well suited to a management position at Sellafield. As an arsehole with a knowledge of radioactive weaponry, it is in a unique position to be in charge of a team of weapons-grade radioactive arseholes.”
Instead, the Dalek will spend 100 human hours cleaning up chewing gum, much of which is discarded on King Street by heavy-footed, fat-bellied scruffs. On busy signing-on days, it is estimated that almost 100 pieces of gum are needlessly deposited on the street by jobless cretins on a freshening-up mission between Wetherspoons and the Job Centre.