LOCAL RESIDENTS have been left mystified after their kettles began emanating a “snap, crackle & pop” sound this weekend – but the conundrum appears to have finally been solved.
A spokesperson for United Utilities today confirmed that a lorry containing thousands of boxes of Kellogg’s Rice Krispies had inadvertently jettisoned its load into the UU reservoir at Ennerdale, contaminating the water supply with the low-sugar breakfast favourite, which is famed for its noisiness.
Explaining the gaffe, United Utilities Head of Operations Gustavo Windass said “the lad who fluoridates the water supply usually turns up on a Friday afternoon.
“Anyways, a half-wit in a delivery truck destined for Morrisons took a wrong turn or three and ended up at our place at the same time. I just assumed it was Stan the fluoride man and shouted “on you go marra, just dump it in’t watter, eh.”
As a result, the reservoir – which provides drinking water to over 80,000 people in Whitehaven and surrounding areas – is now completely crammed with Rice Krispies.
Within hours of the event, tin foil-hatted conspiracy theorists took to local “Name & Shame” forums on social media to offer their two-bob’s worth, with everything from fracking to government mind control postulated upon by bored residents with nothing better to do.
Agnes Eggybread, 45, of Woodhouse, commented: “it’s definitely aliens messing with our water supply. I saw the spaceship taking off this afternoon when I was on the way home after picking up me bread, milk and methadone.”
Others disagreed. 27-year-old Karl Mortislock, a door-to-door peg salesman from the Frizington area, stated: “thermodynamics dictates that the solubility of gas decreases as temperatures are raised, and it is clear in this instance that there is a particular residue present in the liquid as it reaches boiling point.
“Given this information, one can only hypothesise that somebody has shat in the reservoir.”
Following the cereal-based debacle, a spokesperson from United Utilities customer service department issued a full and frank apology, with UU Public Relations officer Larry Turkeyneck offering the following advice in a formal statement:
“Normal service is expected to resume by Tuesday morning, and measures have been implemented to minimise the possibility of rice-related breakfast cereal mishaps in future – and anyways, it could’ve been worse.
“At least it wasn’t All-Bran.”