Bum scare in Whitehaven supermarket

A TOWN CENTRE SUPERMARKET was evacuated today after a flatulent customer excessively broke wind.

Anti-terror police were called to the scene after pensioner Aldous Broccoli, 106, released a number of virulent guffs in quick succession on the dented tins aisle of the Morrisons superstore at Flatt Walks.

Meteorologists noted Gale Force 8 winds in the area and local seismologists reported readings of 2.9 on the Richter scale, fuelling initial speculation that a large storm or earthquake had taken place.

Arse biscuits

Armed response units were dispatched as a precautionary measure after unusually high levels of methane gas were detected in-store, following concerns that a chemical attack had been unleashed on unsuspecting shoppers – however, fears were quelled after it transpired that Mr Broccoli had merely been suffering the after-effects of excessive pickled egg consumption.

Explaining his ordeal to The Shitehaven Views, Mr Broccoli opined: “I was at a bit of a loose-end after Countdown finished – so I decided to venture out into the garden.

“Anyways, I decided to have a deek in’t shed – I’d not set foot in it since about 1995 – and I couldn’t believe what I found, marra.

“Lo-and-behold, there was this great big jar of pickled eggs I’d won as the booby prize in a meat raffle at Mirehouse Labour Club in about 1989, sandwiched neatly between two home-made bottles of Spanish Watter eh.

“Needless to say, I did what any right-thinking man would do and wolfed down the lot in about three minutes.”

Economic pump

The town centre lockdown wasn’t entirely without it’s benefits, however, as numerous eateries in the area witnessed a surge in sales of baked goods.

Explaining the unexpected increase in local trade, Whitehaven Chamber of Commerce spokesperson Barbara Ballcock said: “The second Monday of the month is rarely busy for retailers – particularly in the afternoon.

“The majority of loiterers have already expended the fruits of their giros by then on scratch cards and plant food, and the rest of the folk milling around are waiting on their methadone from the chemist – but the influx of 36 armed response units provided some much-needed footfall to the area. The lads from the constabulary spent a small fortune in our bakeries today.”

Force-fed

PC Arbuckle, a firearms officer, explained the force’s eating habits:

“Firstly, I’d like to address the negative stereotype portrayed by our critics – namely, the idea that police officers have a penchant for doughnuts. This is completely untrue.

“In actual fact, we have a penchant for pies and sausage rolls – and we’d like to thank the numerous and plentiful bakeries of Whitehaven for keeping us fuelled during today’s unenviable task of evacuating a supermarket in horrendous conditions involving eye-watering levels of arse-stench.”

At the time of going to press, all roads have been reopened, and the terror threat from Mr Broccoli has been downgraded to “silent but deadly”.

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