Borehole water charged with GBH

BEHIND BARS: The water source before yesterday's hearing

WATER from an Egremont borehole is due to appear at Carlisle Crown court after admitting to the assault of drinking sources from Blackpool, Liverpool and Manchester.

During a preliminary hearing at Workington Magistrates’ yesterday afternoon, the self-proclaimed “hardest water in the North” – a mixture of two-parts Hydrogen, one-part Oxygen and three-parts sludge, effluence and all-sorts-of-other-shite – spoke to confirm its name, which it gave as Adam Sale, before admitting to a catalogue of violent attacks.

Hardest in the North

Mr Sale was represented by a spokesperson for United Utilities, Dr Sigmund Arcegargle, who commented:

“Your Honour, it all started when people started egging the borehole on, saying it was the hardest water source in the North.

“We didn’t expect it to gain sentience and go around battering other reservoirs, but I suppose with being in such close proximity to a nuclear dumping ground anything can happen, eh?”

Reassurance

After the hearing, Dr Arcegargle motioned to reassure the public that the water was safe to consume.

“If only people would begin to show this borehole a bit of love, then perhaps things would calm down.

“The sooner we accept it for what it is, the sooner we can forget all about these sorry incidents and carry on as if nothing has happened.”

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