Bigfoot spotted on golf course

CRYPTOZOOLIGISTS across the county are currently investigating a series of sightings of an ape-like hominid reported in the Red Lonning area of Whitehaven.

Keen golfer Bobby Zantac, 63, spotted the hirsute creature during a round of his favourite sport on Saturday 20th May.

Explaining his experience to The Shitehaven Views, Mr Zantac commented: “The wife was nagging me to paint the spare bedroom, so I did what any right-thinking gent would’ve done under the circumstances; loaded the clubs into the car and headed for the golf course.”

It was on the 13th hole where Mr Zantac encountered the beast.

“I was just about to tee off when I looked up and there it was, bold as brass, defecating on the fairway.

“It definitely wasn’t human – I shouted “Oway marra, there’s nee need for that” and it just responded with a series of grunts, wiped its arse on the pin flag and lunged off into the bushes.”

However, some remain sceptical about the prospect of a mythical creature taking up residence in the area.

Part-time Golf Club barmaid Chardonnay Rawlplugs refused service to a man matching Bigfoot’s description at approximately 2pm on Saturday – just twenty minutes before Mr Zantac noticed the unsightly creature on the green.

“A bloke staggered into the bar – he was wildly unkempt and smelled a bit like raw sewage. Next thing he started demanding a pint and slurring something about lending him a pound” explained Chardonnay.

A spokesperson for Cumbria Constabulary confirmed that a local vagrant was remanded in custody on the same day for a series of public order offences – and Bigfoot hasn’t been spotted since.

HAVE YOU observed any unsightly cryptozoological entities in the area recently? Let us know in the comments section below.

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