Asking “is anybody doing lifts” on social media to be outlawed

Would-be revellers who take to Facebook to ask “as anybody doing lifts?” on weekend evenings could face a permanent ban from Whitehaven town centre.

The controversial new law is set to be implemented in a bid to improve the overall vibe in the town’s clubs and bars.

Detective Constable Hans Freemason, who is responsible for drafting the law, stressed the importance of eradicating an “element of detestability” from the area.

During a press conference, DC Freemason stated “let’s face it. People who ask “is anyone doing lifts” on Facebook are completely insufferable. They take up space at the bar, they order mixed drinks that take longer to pour and generally bring down the overall ambience of what would otherwise be a thoroughly enjoyable night out.

“Why should others suffer because of a select few arseholes? If you can’t order a taxi like everybody else then you shouldn’t be in town, and you should be shot directly into the centre of the sun.”

Under the new law, first time offenders will be hit with a £2000 fine and banned from entering the town centre for 24 hours. Repeat offenders will face even harsher penalties, which include being lowered into Sellafield’s B30 pond until dissolving into a state of primordial gloop.

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