A LOCAL SCULPTOR has revealed his latest work: a tribute to the binge-drinkers of Whitehaven marketplace.
Cornelius Sump-Unitt, who graduated with a C-grade in GCSE Art eighteen years ago, said he wanted to capture the “beauty and honesty of the characters of Whitehaven” with his piece, after being inspired by a recent “Cracker Packers” installation – a tribute to the factory workers of McVities in nearby Carlisle.
The sculpture, entitled Barra Marras, depicts two men fighting over the remains of a pint of Jenning’s Bitter, as the spouse of one of the combatants vomits into her own handbag.
The project was financed with funding secured from Whitehaven Town Council. As part of his research into the piece, Mr Sump-Unitt spent seven months of consecutive all-day drinking in Whitehaven’s pubs, with the taxpayer picking up the tab.
Sump-Unitt classed this research as “incredibly important” in helping him reach what he describes as an “innate understanding” of the subjects captured in his poignant work.
“What I found was that most of the people getting scunnered in the afternoon were actually quite nice, albeit a little bit tapped, like” enthused Sump-Unitt, 36.
“It was the folk getting gattered after functions causing most of the problems – blokes with wet-look hair-gel in Matalan suits downing fifteen Pernod’s at a Christening, or mouthy Sellafield wankers on their annual bank-holiday night out, getting out of control after three shandies and an Apple Sourz.”
Town council arts tsar Umbongo DeCongo, 98, praised the efforts of the artist:
“Twice every week, the market is busy with the sound of stallholders during the day: it’s a riotous cacophony of dubious salespersons selling rawl plugs, cakes and miscellaneous tat, and literally tens of visitors pass through the area during peak periods.
“By nightfall, the sound of commerce is replaced by shouting, vomiting and the splash of urine on the street – and Mr Sump-Unitt has captured the zeitgeist perfectly.”
Nowhere to shite
However, some Copeland residents feel the money allocated towards the construction of the statue could have been better spent.
“We haven’t got a public toilet yet these snooty council spods are throwing money at art installations to compete with posh big cities like Carlisle” twined Colin Knackersack, a local trout-tickler:
“It’s a disgrace – you can’t even gar for a shite. At least that big fuck-off clock installation in Workington is useful for telling the time.”
The Shitehaven Views reached out to Coun DeBengo for comment, who rebuffed Mr Knackersack’s remarks:
“After lengthy discussions with the artist, we have come to the decision that Barra Marras should be an interactive art installation. Locals and visitors alike are encouraged to micturate upon it to add to its authenticity.
“It’s a money-saving measure which kills two birds with one stone. By employing the services of Cornelius Sump-Unitt, we’ve gained an artwork of cultural significance AND a public bog.”