LOCAL HOLIDAYMAKERS are getting excited about the prospect of commercial flights taking off from Carlisle airport for the first time in a quarter of a century – and flabtastic slobs may also have a reason to rejoice.
Local delicacies including Cleator Pies, Cheese XL crisps and Dent Lemonade look set to be available at knock-down prices from the Duty-Free shopping area within the airport. This will enable cheapskate passengers who are already taking advantage of low-budget flights to London, Basra and Shap to pick up piss-yellow lemonade and extra-cheesy fried potato treats without having to pay Her Majesty’s Revenue & Customs A SINGLE PENNY.
Fat of the land
In a recent county council meeting, Carlisle Chamber of Commerce chief Biggles McSprocket expressed his excitement at the prospect of Cumbria’s fattiest foodstuffs being exported to some of the world’s biggest shitholes.
“You just can’t beat a Cheese XL crisp”, gasped McSprocket, in between mouthfuls of complimentary biscuits.
“There is none more cheesier” he added.
“Except for maybe a packet of Wotsits. Has anybody got any Wotsits?”
However, not all Cumbrian residents are pleased with the decision to stock the fat-filled favourites at heavily-discounted prices, with some fearing that the demand for local snacks from outsiders on a flying visit could cause a shortage elsewhere in the county.
At a recent public consultation regarding the future of Carlisle airport, roly-poly Whitehaven cretin Garth Fetid remarked: “I’d love to be able to pick up cheap yellow pop and crisps like the rest of the jet-setters, but I won’t be able to fit through the security scanners at the airport.
“Why doesn’t anybody think of the most vulnerable? The popularity of duty-free Cheese XL, Cleator Pies and Dent Lemonade could mean there isn’t enough to go around for the rest of the area, thereby pushing up the prices.
“I’m too fat to work so I’m only in receipt of £790 in benefits a week. The thought of not being able to afford my cheesy, crispy fix is giving me sleepless nights.”
Safety first marra
However, the certainty of bright yellow pop, crisps and meat & tattie pies making an appearance in the onsite Duty-Free shop remains unclear, after a team of engineering experts recently lodged an objection to the sale of the Cumbrian snacks within the airport on health and safety grounds.
Explaining the reasoning behind the opposition, aerospace uberboffin Hungus Shart chimed: “The problem with these low-budget airlines is that their planes are nothing more than glorified tin cans.
“From what we’ve gathered, RyanAir head-honcho Michael O’ Leary has commissioned three new 747-class planes to be manufactured at Alcan.
“This wouldn’t be such a bad thing if Alcan hadn’t shut down a couple of years back. Apparently he signed the deal with a butane-sniffing halfwit who was using the old factory site as a dosshouse. O’Leary mistook him for the CEO.”
In addition to fears about the structural soundness of the aircraft, Shart also expressed concern that thickset local jelly-bellies gorging on crisps and yellow lemonade prior to boarding could prove too heavy a load for a standard commercial airliner.
“Not even a military craft could withstand the burden of 80 rotund Cumbrian holidaymakers covered in pie crust, crisp crumbs and yellow lemonade stains squeezing their way onto a flight. It’s a recipe for disaster.”
Further consultation is expected to take place next week to determine the availability of the snacks. In the same meeting, experts will also discuss the possibility of introducing complimentary Kendal Mint Cake for First-Class travellers.